A lot of people ask me, stupid fuckin' questions
A lot of people think that, what I say on record
Or what I talk about on a record, that I actually do in real life
Or that I believe in it
Or if I say that, I want to kill somebody, that
I'm actually gonna do it
Or that I believe in it
Well, shit, if you believe that
Then I'll kill you
You know why?

Cause I'm a criminal!
Criminal
You god damn right
I'm a criminal
Yeah, I'm a criminal

My words are like a dagger with a jagged edge
That will stab you in the head
Whether you're a fag or les'
Or the homo-sex, hermaph', or a trans'a'vest'
Pants or dress, hate fags? the answer's "yes"
Homophobic? nah, you're just hetero phobic
Starin' at my jeans, watchin' my genitals bulgin' (ooh!)
That's my motherfuckin' balls, you'd better let go of 'em
They belong in my scrotum
You'll never get hold of 'em
Hey, it's me, versace
Whoops, somebody shot me!
And I was just checkin' the mail
Get it? checkin' the 'male'?
How many records you expectin' to sell
After your second l.p sends you directly to jail?
Come on! relax guy, I like gay men
Right, ken? give me an amen (amen!)
Please lord, this boy needs jesus
Heal this child, help us destroy these demons
Oh, and please send me a brand new car
And a prostitute while my wife's sick in the hospital
Preacher preacher, fifth grade teacher
You can't reach me, my mom can't neither
You can't teach me a goddamn thing 'cause
I watch t.v, and comcast cable
And you ain't able to stop these thoughts
You can't stop me from toppin' these charts
And you can't stop me from droppin' each march
With a brand new c-d for these fuckin' retards
Duh, and to think, it's just little ol' me
Mr. "don't give a fuck," still won't leave

[chorus: x2]
I'm a criminal
Cause every time I write a rhyme
These people think it's a crime
To tell em what's on my mind, I guess I'm a criminal
But I don't gotta say a word, I just flip 'em the bird
And keep goin', I don't take shit from no one

My mother did drugs, tar, liquor, cigarettes, and speed
The baby came out, disfigured, ligaments indeed
It was a seed who would grow up just as crazy as she
Don't dare make fun of that baby cause that baby was me
I'm a criminal
An animal caged who turned crazed
But how the fuck you supposed to grow up when you weren't raised?
So as I got older and I got a lot taller
My dick shrunk smaller, but my balls got larger
I drink more liquor to fuck you up quicker
Than you'd want to fuck me up for sayin' the word
My morals went, when the president got oral
Sex in his oval office on top of his desk
Off of his own employee
Now don't ignore me, you won't avoid me
You can't miss me, I'm white, blond-haired
And my nose is pointy
I'm the bad guy, who makes fun of people that die
In plane crashes and laughs
As long as it ain't happened to him
Slim shady, I'm as crazy as em-
Inem and kim combined the maniac's in
Replacin' the doctor cause dre couldn't make it today
He's a little under the weather, so I'm takin' his place
(mm-mm-mm!) oh, that's dre with an a.k to his face
Don't make me kill him too and spray his brains all over the place
I told you dre, you should've kept that thing put away
I guess that will teach you not to let me play with it, eh?
I'm a criminal
Aight look (uh huh) just go up in that motherfucker
Get the motherfuckin' money and get the fuck up outta there

Aight
I'll be right here waitin' on you
Aight
Yo 'em
What?
Don't kill nobody this time

Aw'right, god damn, fuck
How you doin'?
Hi, how can I help you?
Yeah I need to make a withdrawal
Okay
Put the fuckin' money in the bag bitch and I won't kill you!

What? oh my god, don't kill me
I'm not gonna kill you bitch, quit lookin' around
Don't kill me, please don't kill me
I said I'm not gonna fuckin' kill you
Hurry the fuck up! Thank you!
Windows tinted on my ride when I drive in it
So when I rob a bank, run out and just dive in it
So I'll be disguised in it
And if anybody identifies the guy in it
I'll hide for five minutes
Come back, shoot the eyewitness
Fire at the private eye hired to pry in my business
Die, bitches, bastards, brats, pets
This puppy's lucky I didn't blast his ass yet
If I ever gave a fuck, I'd shave my nuts
Tuck my dick in between my legs and cluck
You motherfuckin' chickens ain't brave enough
To say the stuff I say, so just tape it shut
Shit, half the shit I say, I just make it up
To make you mad so kiss my white naked ass
And if it's not a rapper that I make it as
I'm a be a fuckin' rapist in a jason mask

[chorus: x2]